I Wonder What Ben is Doing?

I figured out today what makes dropping your first child off at kindergarten so (devastating, painful, heartbreaking, scary, overwhelming) hard. It's the not knowing. Not knowing what his schedule is, not knowing who his classmates are, not knowing if he is struggling or if he is doing awesome, not knowing if his teacher realizes what a great kid he is, not knowing if he is missing me, not knowing if he needs me, not knowing if he realizes how much I miss him and love him and need him. back home. with me. where he belongs.

I know Ben is ready for kindergarten but I guess I didn't realize how ill prepared I was. I had no idea how much it would bug me (to the point of insanity) to glance at the clock throughout the day and not know what Ben was doing at that moment. No clue what Ben was doing. I hated that. I'm a bit of control-freak, admittedly, but it is definitely going to take some time for this momma bear to loosen the apron strings and get used to letting my baby go out into the world without me.

I started panicing yesterday when Ben and I spent some time out just the two of us in celebration of his big first day of school. Abby graciously agreed to entertain Joey while Ben and I went on our date. While Joe and Abs fed (harrassed) the ducks at the lake by Abby's house, Ben and I had a date at Steak n' Shake where we discussed Ben's thoughts on school over milkshakes and fries. Ben said that he wasn't really nervous yet but thought he would probably have butterflies in his belly the next morning. Ben was so pumped to sit at the counter in the "twirly chairs." We had a great time and then went to buy new shoes and a few back-to-school clothes. After our date we went to Ben's school to meet his teacher and check out his classroom. Mrs. Carlson seemed very sweet and I loved getting to see where Ben's desk was (he is #7 and sits at the red 2 cluster of desks). Ben met another little boy in his class, Jaden, and then we made our way home.

I was surprised by how unemotional I was throughout the evening. I said good night to Ben no problem, slept great, got up without incident and was completely fine as I made breakfast for Ben. The changing point came when Ben walked into my room all dressed for school with his new tennis shoes on and his new clothes. And I lost it. I bawled my eyes out, shoulder shaking, gut wrenching, full out sobbed. I don't even know why I was crying so hard, but I couldn't get a grip.

I finally got it together and we made our way to school. I was fine as we walked in. Ben ran into Jaden in the parking lot and it was cute seeing them walk in together; Ben's first kindergarten friend! Ben seemed to be fine. He was really chatty (he gets that from me) but that was the only hint to any potential nerves. We saw lots of our friends in the hallway and Ben shook his teacher's hand and then walked away from us. We watched him settle into his desk and Joey gave him a big hug goodbye.

I could feel a humungous lump forming again in my throat so I made a beeline for the entrance to the school. Joe had a minor meltdown when he realized that he didn't get to stay. "I not leaving. I stayin!" But he rallied and we headed outside. Where my tears started flowing again. I stalked Ben briefly as I stood on the sidewalk outside his classroom and tried to see him sitting at his desk. Dean made me leave.

Dean stayed home with Joe today and I went to work. I think working helped the day go by but it seriously killed me to not know what Ben was doing and I couldn't wait for 2:50 to arrive. I pulled up to the school at 2:40 and was surprised to see that there were about 30 other parents even more eager to pick up their kiddos then me! I waited in line for what seemed like forever and then saw my benny. And he saw me and smiled a big smile and waved a big wave. I pulled up and picked up Ben and Kirin. Befitting their appropriate male/female stereotypes, Kirin told me what a great day she had, how she made friends and liked her teacher, and blah, blah, blah. When asked how Ben's day went, he replied "it was okay."

Dean, Ben, and I had a snack and played a game of Yahtzee while we tried to get some details out of him. All we gathered was that he made a friend named Nathan, he had the biggest piece of pizza in the world for lunch, the bathroom in his room has a toilet that is "brutal" and way too small but his teacher made him use that one, he is one of the tallest kids in his class ("not biggest, biggest means fattest" and he's not that), the girl who sits across from him bugs him because she kept touching him, and Jaden cried all day. Whew. He also said, when asked by Dean if he had to raise his hand to talk in class, "yeah. we all need to work on that. We also need to learn not to talk when the teacher is talking. I have a little trouble with that. I need to work on that!" I told Ben that I always had trouble with that too :)

All in all, we survived the day and I am so proud of my big boy. Dean asked him if he was going to go back tomorrow and Ben said "yeah. I'll go back." success.