How Did I Get Here?

Why is my life starting to speed up at breakneak speed that leaves me feeling dizzy, out of control, and at times totally disoriented; feelings I don't particularly enjoy? Am I living in some weird time warp land? Wasn't it just a few months ago that Dean and I were nervously folding laundry and chatting about nothing while waiting the recommended 5 minutes before peeking at the stick on the bathroom counter that would confirm for us that our lives were absolutely about to be irreversably, unimaginably, so blessedly changed? Nope, it was really Halloween Eve 6 years ago. Wasn't it just weeks ago that a squirmy, wide-eyed, squishy faced little person was being gently placed on my belly after 1-1/2 hours of pushing and praying as I anxiously awaited the first moment I met my miracle face to face? It was actually nearly 6 years ago on a hot, rainy July 4th morning. It was just a few days ago that I was making the surprisingly easy decision to leave a job I loved to stay home with my baby, wasn't it? It was actually 5 years ago, I lasted 8 months working full time, crying every morning as I handed Benny over to my sister-in-law to care for him and love him while I worked. It was mere hours ago, right, that I was fretting over potty training a little boy; a skill I thought neither of us would ever master and would perhaps represent the end of our loving relationship. In all honesty there are days that we still struggle with this task and I am increasingly convinced that this will, in fact, be a life-long struggle for us...sorry B. Didn't I just blink away the tears I shed every Friday for 2 months as I waited for Ben to get used to going to preschool? I wanted to pull him out of the program after the 2nd week, so sure was I that he was not ready for school...I'm not known for my patience! So all that said, how is it that I am suddenly here, sitting on the bathroom floor as I watch my boys soak each other in the bathtub, reflecting on the evening I just spent with Benjamin. An evening that started with a slow walk down a long sidewalk that ended at a set of doors through which we entered to sign Ben, my baby, my 1st born up for kindergarten. I realize I am a dramatic person, but surely you recognize the enormity of this milestone. Kindergarten. In 4 months my son will spend more time away from me each week then he does with me. As we walked in I tried (unsuccessfully) to hold Ben's hand. Dean was at a Pacers game so he (I am sure gratefully) missed out on the brunt of my panic. I swear my stomach was in knots and I thought I was going to throw up. "Ben" I said "I am having sort of a hard time." "Why??" Benny asked as he paused from jumping the cracks in the sidewalk to look up at me. "Because. You are my baby and I am getting ready to sign you up for kindergarten. I don't think I am ready for this." "Moooom" Ben sighed "I'm 5 years old." As if that summed it all up. And while we're here now in the conversation, how exactly did Ben get to be 5 years old? That's it, I am through blinking. Kindergarten Roundup (as the evening was called) was a smashing success. Ben was full of confidence and enthusiasm and he did not share one ounce of my reluctance. Ben is definitely ready for kindergarten. He even asked 2 questions when the principal and teacher asked if anyone had any questions (Why are there paperclips hanging from the ceiling and why do you have a tv in here were Ben's inquiries, which were trumped by the one other brave kiddo in the class who raised his hand to ask the teacher "how old are you?" I think the teacher is going to have her hands full). I know I need to get a grip and resign myself to the fact that I believe that starting school is what is developmentally appropriate and "the right thing" for Ben to be doing. My head understands this and in all honesty my nerves appreciate it (Ben drives me bonkers on a daily basis), but my silly, simple little heart just wants my baby to stay my baby and stay with me forever.