Happy 6th Birthday Ben

I don’t even remember the person I was 6 years and 1 day ago. Does every mom feel that way? I have vague memories of being a super productive person, having a clean house (that remained clean for longer than 15 minutes at a time), spending hours on end soaking up my husband’s undivided attention as we lounged on the couch watching movies or sports on TV, playing video games (yes we still did that pre kids), or took long drives looking for our dream house (one of our favorite weekend activities once upon a time). I think I remember liking to take long walks with the dog every day after work and loved reading books before I fell asleep at night…not picture books, but novels, autobiographies, etc. And I definitely have a dim recollection of knowing when my weary head (though was I every really tired before I had kids?) hit the pillow each night that I was going to sleep for as long as I desired, or at least until the alarm went off. There would be no interruptions just sweet, sweet sleep. Those days are long gone but the days that now exist seem so fulfilling and have become so much of a defining characteristic of who I am that I cannot even imagine how I survived before I became a mom. Did I really feel complete or was I just waiting for the day when I would fulfill my destiny and become a mother to two sweet angels (and, let’s be honest, at times devils)? In so many ways I feel like my life really began 6 years ago today. The day that my first born was born. I look at you now, Ben, and I can’t believe that you used to live INSIDE of me. You who I carried to bed last night as we both giggled at how awkward you are in my arms now, all gangly arms and legs, your length becoming overpowering for my short stature to manage. At the Museum of Science and Industry yesterday we saw an incredible exhibit that showed embryos and fetuses at nearly every week of gestation. I have always been in awe of the whole pregnancy thing. I was “that girl” who loved being pregnant and appreciated the miracle that was going on inside my body. I felt so connected to you, Ben, from the moment I first knew you were inside me. Do you remember how I used to talk to you all the time? I would tell you where we were going and who we would see. I would ask you what you wanted for lunch and would sing you songs. Now that I think about it, it is really no wonder that you NEVER stop talking now; I set us both up for this! I would read you books at night and would cradle my belly throughout the day, wanting you to feel like I was holding you and protecting you. I was aware of you at every moment of my day and even though you are no longer physically inside me you are still very much a part of me and I am still so connected to you and your every emotion. I’ll be honest Benny, you are a tough kid to manage. Just like your mommy. Your energy and exuberance are contagious but also have the ability to suck the life out of those around you. Especially your mommy it seems. You wear me out buddy. But when you are not with me, your absence is palpable. I feel it in my bones and I long to be reunited with you. Daddy laughs at me as my eyes fill with tears and my heart starts beating fast every time I am reminded that you are starting kindergarten this year. I know he is laughing at me because I complain on a daily basis about how draining it is to be your mom and how exhausted I am physically and emotionally trying to keep up with you. Most days I tell Daddy how much you are driving me CRAZY. But at the end of the day I would rather be beat down and crazy and have you right beside me then be still and at peace anywhere else in the world. Still and Ben are two words that don’t go together and I choose Ben always. But enough mushy stuff. Here are the details about what you are up to these days you big 6 year old you! You are still in love with all sports, though as usual baseball is your current favorite since that is the sport you are playing right now. You love watching sports but mostly want to play. You are extremely active and would rather be outside then anywhere else. You are starting to read and are really doing an incredible job. You like to trick me and memorize books and then amaze me with your awesome reading skills but the joke really is on you buddy as I know that even though you are doing a lot of memorizing you are also starting to figure out how certain words look on sight and how to sound out longer words. I’m so proud of you and I promise I will never grow tired of having you read me books. Your dad is still your best friend in the world but Joe is a close second. I’m a distant third at best but most days probably come in fourth after Jackson (our dog). You are starting to not enjoy cartoons as much but have graduated into the “older” shows on Disney like ICarly, Wizards of Waverly Place, and Suite Life with Zach and Cody. I still can’t seem to shake SpongeBob, unfortunately, and that remains one of the few cartoons that you seem to really enjoy. You like to play games but are extremely competitive and get frustrated (and often cry) when you are not winning. This drives your dad crazy and usually results in an unfinished game while you get sent to your room bawling hysterically. You love having friends over to play and also going to friends houses. Your best friends right now are still probably Kirin and Hayden though you really like to play with Hannah and Mason (who live next door) and made your first school friend this year, Kaden Jackson, who has become a great buddy. You LOVE listening to music (all different types) and dancing. You are also following in your daddy’s footsteps as you are great at making up silly songs, usually making fun of your mom! You are still usually cautious in new surroundings but not at all when it comes to meeting new people. You call everyone “dude” and will not hesitate to walk up to someone at the park and say “hey dude, what are you doing? Can I play?” You would much rather hang out with older kids than younger kids. You definitely have no shortage of friends and seem to make new friends everywhere we go. In addition to your amazing traits you are really struggling with being a generous person and being kind to others. This makes me so sad as you were seriously the sweetest kid I have ever met when you were younger and I’m not sure what has caused the shift. You have been very selfish and greedy lately but that is something we are working on and I have faith that you will work through this phase and the awesome Ben I know will emerge victorious! You are still very sensitive and get your feelings hurt quite easily. You are a definite people pleaser and want so badly to impress your family, teachers, coaches, and friends. At the same time, however, you are a leader and in no way a follower. You err on the side of being bossy but I am proud of how you stick up for yourself and have never been one to “follow the crowd.” I hope your confidence continues and you always choose what is best for you even if it is not always the popular choice or differs from what your friends are doing. You are an active member of our church and though you are not always an excited church attendee, I know that you are learning so much and it makes my heart happy when you tell me Bible stories or ask questions about God. I am proud of how your kindness shines through in certain settings, like when you take out our elderly neighbor, Miss Sally’s, garbage each week. You never complain about this chore and I know you like being able to do something nice for our neighbor. I know you also like the responsibility. I could go on and on (obviously) about you Ben. I know that I drive you crazy just as much as you make me nuts. I also hope and pray with all my heart, Ben, that you know that no matter what I will always be your biggest fan. There is nothing you could ever do that will change how much I love you. You are my first born; no one and no thing could ever replace you. You taught me how to love and my life would not be half as exciting without you in it. Thank you for blessing me with your birth 6 years ago today, Benjamin Michael. I’m so very happy God chose me to be your mom. May God continue to bless you and cheers to you on your 6th birthday; may this be the best year yet.