Full of Thanks and Full of Heartache

It is easy to be thankful for all the blessings I have in my life. If I were to list them it would be embarassing, overwhelming, undeserved. I am thankful. Probably not enough and I probably don't say it enough. On Tuesday this week I volunteered at Ben's school and it was an eye opening experience and one that was very upsetting to me for a myriad of reasons. I left his school that day upset at how many disruptive children there were in the "other" kindergarten class (there are two K classes and I had only ever really been exposed to Ben's class). I had zero control over the kids during the 1-1/2 hours I spent with them, covering the classroom so the teachers could have a holiday luncheon with their fellow teachers. Now, granted, I had both kindergarten classes so there were over 40 five and six year olds in a room with pushover me and another mom who was an even bigger weenie and basically didn't say a word. I happily turned the kids back over to their teachers and left the school feeling sorry for Ben, feeling sorry for myself, feeling upset that I send him into this cacophenous environment every day. The more my tears flowed the more I felt a different force (I am quite confident it was God...and also Dean) at the same time trying to calm me down and pointing out how well Ben is doing academically this year. He is already reading at a 1st grade level (and will be at a 2nd grade level before the school year is up), his behavior at school is really good, he has friends, and he LOVES school. Seriously, he gets up with a smile every single day and is ready to go see his friends. So what is my problen? The kid evidently likes chaos and thrives in it! My selfish feelings grew to an overwhelming point when I found out and had confirmed by the social worker at the school yesterday morning that a little boy, the little boy who had given me the most trouble in fact the day before, in the other kindergarten class is homeless. Homeless. The words homeless and kindergarten boy do NOT go together. This is a six-year-old boy who is my son's PEER, who could be MY son under different circumstances. This is a sixy-year-old boy who does not have a bed to call his own, a kitchen table to sit at to do his homework, a front yard to play with his friends in, a place to feel safe and call his own. I can't even wrap my mind around how that can be. How can I feel so thankful for all the things I have and yet know that there is a little boy in my town who doesn't have nearly as much to be thankful for? And at the same time, how can I not be thankful? I am really struggling here. I spoke with the social worker for a long time yesterday and with Dean. I spoke to God. I cried. I cried. I cried. I am sad, angry, hurt, confused, and lost as to what I can do. Everything seems minimal. So I am thankful, obviously, for the blessings in my life. I know how lucky I am; I have a husband who is not only my BEST friend, but the BEST person I know and hands down, bar none the best dad on the planet, I have parents and a mother-in-law who are always on my side and there to help when needed, siblings who I am lucky to call my friends, a healthy new baby nephew and his older sister whom I adore, friends galore who fulfill all my needs; friends I laugh with, cry with, play with, excercise with, and worship with, and I am thankful for the adults in my boys lives who love them and raise them up. And I have my boys. My boys. I can't even go there right now but since this blog is all about the love I feel for those two monsters God has entrusted me with, I'm just going to leave it with my boys. Enough said about that. I am so very thankful for my healthy, sturdy, silly, fun-loving, adventurous, michevious, laughing, dancing, crazy boys. They make my life feel complete and real and worthwhile and on days like yesterday when I was questioning the universe and wondering how I can live in a world where there are homeless children, being able to see my boys helps things make sense, or at least helps me to slow down and realize that I have so much to be thankful for. I am also thankful for meeting my new six-year-old friend this week. My eyes have been opened and I am ready now to listen and see what I can do to make a difference. I am thankful.