I have been blessed with the opportunity to spend every Sunday evening and every other Sunday morning with a group of high schoolers from my church. As the high school youth group leader, I am welcomed into their strange, complex, not overy unfamiliar but definitely far removed world each week and often walk away with beautiful gems of advise for how I should handle my children during their teenage years. At almost 33 years old, I am lucky in that I am much older than these kids and, therefore, (at least in their mind) wiser and able to offer advice that, though often similar to that given by their parents, is less biased and our relationship has less emotional baggage so they (sometimes) are willing to hear me out and at least consider my opinion. I am, mercifully, not TOO old (yet) so they still (maybe?) think I am sorta kinda cool and seem to actually enjoy my company. I know I love theirs.
Last night, at the end of a beautiful day that reached over 80 degrees, I suggested we take our meeting outdoors and we walked across the street to hang out on a playground. After playing and being silly for a few minutes, we settled down on the ground and began our discussion for the evening. Topic: Bullying. The conversation was powerful, raw, honest, and, as a mom, terrifying. I don't want my boys to go through the bullying that these kids were talking about. These are GREAT kids. They are very different with some outgoing, involved, active, popular, beautiful, athletic and others a bit awkward, different, quiet, and withdrawn. You know what they all shared in common? Bullying. Each and every one of them had been made to feel that they didn't matter, they were not good enough, they were different, they were gross. I wanted to cry. I also wanted to pack up my boys and move to Canada to live in a cabin...a threat my mom often made when the world looked tough for us as kids.
Toward the end of the discussion, after a particularly gut-wrenching conversation where we discussed how we all are our own worst bullys, I posed the question: "As a mom, what can I do to help Ben and Joey if they are ever the victim of bullying?" One of my favorite boys, a high school sophomore who is outgoing, popular, and super funny, confided that jr. high was horrible for him; he was constantly picked on and felt like even his friends found his weak points and attacked...and he didn't think he could escape because he felt like he even got picked on at home (though I know his parents and they are lovely people who certainly never intentionally contributed to his angst). This boy said to me "just be supportive. And believe them. Even if you don't think what they are upset about is a big deal, it is to them. Don't just blow it off and DO NOT try to fix it. The worst thing you can do is go to the teacher and tell on the other kid. Just be there and listen and let them know you care."
I heard his words and I am keeping them in my heart, to pull out when necessary. So, as a premptive strike I am making my initial push to let the boys know, here and now, that I will always, always, always be on their side.
Future Ben and Joe: I know this will come as a shock, but I was once your age and despite the fact that I know you don't think I understand, I promise I do. I wish I could protect you from pain but, unfortunately, I can't. Pain is just part of life. It is true, what they say, that you can't appreciate the rainbow if you don't have a little rain mixed in with the sunshine. Would we even know how good our lives are if there weren't bad times? My prayer for you both is that the good times by far outweigh the bad and that through the hard times, our family stays strong and we know that we always have each other. I have loved you both since the moment I knew you existed. Your dad feels the same way. We will never, ever stop loving and supporting you. You will screw up along the way and make bad choices (lord knows your mom did) but the one constant you can always count on, is that your mom and dad love you more than anything else in the world and we will always be with you; to support you, pick you up when you fall, cheer with your when you succeed, laugh with you, cry with you, and love you, love you, love you forever and always. I am so very proud of you and nothing will ever diminish that pride. Your pain is my pain; so be nice to yourself and be nice to others and be nice to me, please :) Never forget that tomorrow is a new day and the pain of today is often just a memory tomorrow. Hang in there, boys. We'll get through the bad together and we'll enjoy every second of the good together. I love you very much and I know that you are perfect just the way you are. You have power over yourself and the choices you make, the words you speak, and the actions you take. You can't control others around you but you can control how you choose to respond to them and the power you choose to give them. Don't give anyone else power over you. Don't let anyone else ever define who you are or what your worth is. Don't ever put your happiness in someone else's hands; you will always be dissapointed. YOU are in charge of YOU. God created you and set your life in motion and has a plan for you and no one can force you off course if you stay strong, keep you heart and mind set on Him and just keep moving forward. I will forever be your biggest cheerleader; if you ever need to be reminded how terrific you are, don't hesitate to ask.
I love you. Mom
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