Choices

I am struggling. Again. I am not the kind of mom I want to be and certainly not the kind of wife I want to be. My archnemesis these days - robbing me of my happiness, my peace, and my contentedness - is T.I.M.E. There simply is not enough of it. I feel like I am running from one "chore" to the next and am having a hard time finding time to squeeze in play time with my kids. I hate that. I hate that my instinct is to clean a toilet and not to play a game of "Go Fish" with Joe. I hate that I feel like I just have to log on to see if there is any work to type, rater than play basketball with Ben. I hate that I can't wait for the boys to go to bed at night so that I can get the rest of my work done and go to bed myself. I hate feeling rushed all. the. time. I hate it. I want to be the kind of mom my boys are proud of and want to be around. I want to be the kind of mom that measures up to the kind of dad Dean is. When Dean walks in the door at night, it is like the mood in this house elevates 100%. We all just instantly feel better and snap out of whatever funk we were in. Life is just better with Dean in it. The worst part about feeling the way I am right now is that I am not even IN my busy season for work. It is rapidly approaching and I am dreading it. I have been failing in my choices lately. I have spent far too much time doing what I feel like I need to do and giving all of my energy to the toilets, the computer, and goodness knows what else that doesn't deserve or need near as much as I give it. I am going to choose to start focusing on what I want, and that is to love my kids and my husband, bigger, better, and with more intention. Starting today. I choose love and I choose my family.