I Can See Clearly Now

I am so relieved to have the madness over with and be able to slowly crawl out of the fog I have been in the past several weeks as I prepared for the event this week. I hate how crazy I get working on this project. This job does not and never has defined me and it frustrates me to no end how I let it consume me and turn me into this ugly monster of a person who snaps at her kids, is exhausted from lack of sleep, drops all the balls on top of her head that she usually is able to juggle with relative ease, abandons her friends and extended family members, and has nothing left over to give to her husband at the end of the day, or even the start of the day for that matter. I can barely muster a kiss goodbye in the morning. Sad. Just sad. I hate this about myself, the psychotic perfectionism. I set a bar for myself that is impossible to attain, yet I cannot bring myself to lower it. Oh well, it's over. There is a lot of "clean up" to do, thank yous to send, feedback to process, but I just need a break. So I am using the excuse of the upcoming holiday weekend to take one. There were two revelations that I made this week, however, that bring me a deep, intense, sweet satisfaction. First, Cherrylynn is the one who "busted" Dean as a being a "blog hacker." His recent post was so thoughtful and made me cry (of course one who is completely drained emotionally and physically is easily brought to tears), but the part my best friend found interesting was that in the three plus years I have been blogging I have never mentioned what my job is, never mentioned who I work for, etc. Cherrylynn questioned whether this was by design and if so if Dean totally ratted me out! It is not by design at all, but what made my heart happy is that the reason I never really talk about my job, other than to complain about how draining it is in the summer months, is because it isn't my legacy. My kids are my legacy. My life. What matters. What I feel like talking about. Not to diminish my job. I really do love my job (10 months out of the year) and am beyond blessed to have the opportunity to work doing something I care about and something I am good at and to be able to contribute financially to my family while also being home with my kids. I hit the jackpot and I promise I don't take that gift lightly. I know how lucky I am. It is cool, also, to work for someone who will be a legend someday, I'm not going to lie, but at the end of the day, none of it matters at all if I don't have my boys (all three of them) to fill my days with noise and laughter, impromptu "hip hop" dances and sing-a-longs, sword fights and sock wars, fort building, tons of messes, and complete and utter chaos. No disrespect to my boss, but my MVPs are under my roof and I love them all more than any words can express. The other great revelation made on Tuesday was that I am loved. What an awesome thing to be able to say. I received tons of texts (no phone calls because my friends are brilliant and know I don't have time to take calls the day of the event) the day before and day of the event from friends near and far wishing me luck and showing support. I felt all warm and fuzzy inside each time my phone would buzz in my back packet and I would glance at the screen to see the name of someone I love sending me a message of love and encouragement. I can't tell you how comforting it was to know that there were people "on my side" and cheering me on. The messages put me in a good mood and kept me smiling throughout the long, long day. The greatest show of support, however, is always from my best friend and husband, Dean Dean, who forgives me my shortcomings as a wife and mother the weeks leading up to the event and shows up with a Subway sandwich and a Diet Coke at the bowling alley just in the nick of time. Just knowing he is in the building calms me and keeps me centered. My mom also saves my life every year by taking off work to watch the boys for me. It is such a blessing to know that they are taken care of and not have to worry about them on top of all the other typical event-day drama. So it's back to reality now. I am feeling the usual post event let down. My body is aching, I feel a cold coming on, and I am so very, very tired. But I am happy, I am fulfilled, and I am ready to enjoy the quiet.